Tag Archives: forgiveness

The Toxic Entrepreneur

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Tyler is mad at Gilbert. Mad may not be an adequate description. Tyler is so livid that he doesn’t trust himself to talk to Gilbert about “the incident” for fear that he might end up in handcuffs after the encounter. I think you get the picture. Here’s the rest of the story. Tyler is an entrepreneur who has built a small but rapidly growing company that buys fledgling software projects and fully develops them into commercial products. Gilbert is a software engineer who has a terrific idea that he began to develop and talked extensively with Tyler about taking it to the next step. The two hit it off very well and a very close relationship grew over time. Negotiations had progressed to the point that documents were prepared, and a signing date was set. Then it happened. Tyler received a phone call late one afternoon from an industry analyst informing him that Gilbert had just signed an agreement with Tyler’s closest competitor, to develop the software. Tyler called Gilbert and got his voicemail. He texted and e-mailed – radio silence. Naturally Tyler feels totally betrayed, blindsided and embarrassed. Betrayed because Gilbert had committed the deal to him; blindsided because Gilbert hadn’t had the decency to call him first, and embarrassed because he heard about it from someone else.

You probably know the rest of the story. Tyler finally reaches Gilbert and confronts him about the situation. Gilbert says, “Tyler, it’s only business. I made a decision that I felt was best for me.” This only adds fuel to the fire raging inside Tyler and a long-term grudge ensues with ongoing thoughts of revenge and payback. And, at the end of the day this is the classic Entrepreneur’s Poison.

It’s understandable that Tyler is upset about Gilbert’s actions. But Tyler faces a fork-in-the-road choice at this point. He can hold a grudge for a long period of time and plot ways to get back at Gilbert, drinking the Entrepreneur’s Poison in the process. Or he can learn from the experience and move on. I emphasize the fact that this is a choice that Tyler will make. He’s in control – not Gilbert. As entrepreneurs we will likely face similar circumstances at some point in our careers – maybe we already have. Do we drink the Entrepreneur’s Poison or not?

On December 13, 1977, during an NBA game between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Houston Rockets, Lakers forward Kermit Washington threw a punch that shattered the face of Houston player, Rudy Tomjanovich. The blow was so devastating that spinal fluid was leaking out of the wound as Tomjanovich was rushed to the hospital. His injuries were life threatening and it took several surgeries to repair the damage. Jonathan Feigen’s 2018 book “100 Things Rockets Fans Should Know and Do Before They Die,” details how Tomjanovich felt the need to forgive Washington who had apologized to him in 1987. Feigen states, “Washington could not have known that Tomjanovich had come to believe that holding resentment is ‘a poison’ people ingest needlessly. ‘If I keep those other things, self-destructive things, a part of who I am, I’m missing a good life,’ Tomjanovich said.”

Here’s the thing. When we feel that we’ve been wronged by someone else, harboring feelings of resentment and plotting revenge takes a lot of energy – and worse, it’s negative energy. This same energy could be used in positive ways that benefit ourselves and others. Someone I know was recently betrayed by a long-time friend. She wonders how she’ll ever be able to trust this individual again. My response was to ask if deciding in absolute terms that trust is broken forever is the best perspective. She asked what I would say to this friend, and I responded, “The trust has been broken and it will take a while to earn it back.” Then we move on and live our lives without holding a grudge or resentment. It becomes the choice of the transgressor to rebuild the trust or not. Dwelling on the situation and replaying it over and over does nothing to undo what happened.

In our entrepreneurial world it’s extremely important that we operate in a positive sphere. No one can harm us unless we allow them to do so. Forgiveness is the key even though it may take time for relationships to be repaired. Taking this approach allows us to avoid drinking the Entrepreneur’s Poison.

This blog is being written in tandem with my book, “An Entrepreneur’s Words to Live By,” available on Amazon.com in paperback and Kindle (My Book), as well as being available in all of the other major eBook formats.

The Forgiving Entrepreneur

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I met a guy who presents an interesting case study for entrepreneurs – we’ll call him Seth, though that’s not his real name. Earlier in life, he was a successful entrepreneur running his own company. He had a wife and kids and money in the bank. Then everything blew up. His wife divorced him and took a substantial amount of their assets including the dream house that they had built. Unfortunately, this is a story that plays out every single day across America. There is a myriad of causes for such break-ups – infidelity, money issues, alcoholism and drug use, physical abuse, and general incompatibility, are just a few of the more common reasons. Divorce is often a major life setback for most of those involved. But this blog isn’t about divorce, it’s about what happens next when a major negative life-changing experience occurs.

Seth became despondent and bitter. He felt that his marital problems were the fault of his ex-wife who in his opinion had become mentally unstable. He spent three years fighting her in court and when he lost, he appealed the decision. Seth spent a fortune on legal fees only to lose again and ended up paying her more than if he had accepted the original decree. He was convinced that he got a raw deal and day-by-day his obsession with his plight grew to massive proportions. When he was with his friends, all he could talk about was how badly he had been screwed by his ex and the court. Seth was consumed with his bitterness and hatred. At one point, he purchased the lot next door to his ex-wife’s house and planned to build an even larger “dream house” as an “in-your-face” gesture.

What did all of this accomplish for Seth? He lost his business and contracted cancer which fortunately he beat, but not after many rounds of chemotherapy and painful surgeries. He developed debilitating back issues and suffered with chronic ear and eye problems. For Seth, his life pretty much ended up in the toilet. While it’s not my intent to judge him, I think Seth’s hard road can serve as a wake-up call for entrepreneurs and non-entrepreneurs alike. It’s my belief that wallowing in negative energy for days, months and years, attracts negative experiences to our lives. There is scientific evidence that such negativity has an adverse impact on our immune systems and is akin to drinking pure poison.

Adversity is a fact of life. Sometimes it may be more significant than at other times. But when we choose to focus on it; obsess over it; and keep replaying it in an endless loop, we generate more adversity and negativity. Breaking out of this cycle is imperative. One of the key elements to avoiding this trap in the first place is to understand and practice forgiveness. Merriam-Webster defines forgiveness as: “to cease to feel resentment against an offender; to pardon.”

It’s quite possible that Seth could have avoided many of his problems by committing to the act of forgiveness when it was clear that his wife wanted a divorce. He would have avoided spending large amounts of money on lawyers and would have had to pay her less at the end of the day. He may have been able to avoid many (or all) of his health challenges. Had he moved on and focused positive energy on building his business, he may have been able to prosper rather than losing the company that he started years earlier. The forgiveness to which I refer was not just for the ex-wife – but also for Seth himself. Somewhere in his subconscious mind, Seth likely knows that he contributed to the demise of their marriage. While the anger and bitterness that he exhibited appeared to be directed at her, likely he was acting out some of his own guilt as well. When we forgive someone else, we may want to forgive ourselves too, for it usually takes two to tango as the saying goes.

Bitterness, anger, and hatred are the equivalent of drinking pure poison. The antidote is the act of forgiveness of others and for us.

This blog is being written in tandem with my book, “An Entrepreneur’s Words to Live By,” available on Amazon.com in paperback and Kindle (My Book), as well as being available in all of the other major eBook formats.

Pure Poison

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I met a guy who presents an interesting case study for entrepreneurs – we’ll call him Seth, though that’s not his real name. Earlier in life, he was a successful entrepreneur running his own company. He had a wife and kids and money in the bank. Then everything blew up. His wife divorced him and took a substantial amount of their assets including the dream house that they had built. Unfortunately this is a story that plays out every single day across America. There are a myriad of causes for such break-ups – infidelity, money issues, alcoholism and drug use, physical abuse and general incompatibility, are just a few of the more common reasons. Generally speaking, divorce is often a major life setback for most of those involved. But this blog isn’t about divorce, it’s about what happens next when a major negative life-changing experience occurs.

Seth became despondent and bitter. He felt that his marital problems were the fault of his ex-wife who in his opinion had become mentally unstable. He spent three years fighting her in court and when he lost, he appealed the decision. Seth spent a fortune on legal fees only to lose again and ended up paying her more than if he had accepted the original decree. He was convinced that he got a raw deal and day-by-day his obsession with his plight grew to massive proportions. When he was with his friends, all he could talk about was how badly he had been screwed by his ex and the court. Seth was consumed with his bitterness and hatred. At one point, he purchased the lot next door to his ex-wife’s house and planned to build an even larger “dream house” as an “in-your-face” gesture.

What did all of this accomplish for Seth? He lost his business and contracted cancer which fortunately he beat, but not after many rounds of chemotherapy and painful surgeries. He developed debilitating back issues and suffered with chronic ear and eye problems. For Seth, his life pretty much ended up in the toilet. While it’s not my intent to judge him, I think Seth’s hard road can serve as a wake-up call for entrepreneurs and non-entrepreneurs alike. It’s my belief that wallowing in negative energy for days, months and years, attracts negative experiences to our lives. There is scientific evidence that such negativity has an adverse impact on our immune systems and is akin to drinking pure poison.

Adversity is a fact of life. Sometimes it may be more significant than at other times. But when we choose to focus on it; obsess over it; and keep replaying it in an endless loop, we generate more adversity and negativity. Breaking out of this cycle is absolutely imperative. One of the key elements to avoiding this trap in the first place is to understand and practice forgiveness. Merriam-Webster defines forgiveness as: “to cease to feel resentment against an offender; to pardon.”

It’s quite possible that Seth could have avoided many of his problems by committing to the act of forgiveness when it was clear that his wife wanted a divorce. He would have avoided spending large amounts of money on lawyers and would have had to pay her less at the end of the day. He may have been able to avoid many (or all) of his health challenges. Had he moved on and focused positive energy on building his business, he may have been able to prosper rather than losing the company that he started years earlier. The forgiveness to which I refer was not just for the ex-wife – but also for Seth himself. Somewhere in his subconscious mind, Seth likely knows that he contributed to the demise of their marriage. While the anger and bitterness that he exhibited appeared to be directed at her, in all likelihood he was acting out some of his own guilt as well. When we forgive someone else, we may want to forgive ourselves too, for it usually takes two to tango as the saying goes.

Bitterness, anger and hatred are the equivalent of drinking pure poison. The antidote is the act of forgiveness of others and ourselves.

You can also listen to a weekly audio podcast of my blog. What you hear will be different than what you read in this blog. Subscribe on iTunes or wherever you get your podcasts. You can also click on this link – Click here to listen to Audio Episode 94 – Team ‘Tude.

This blog is being written in tandem with my book, “An Entrepreneur’s Words to Live By,” available on Amazon.com in paperback and Kindle (My Book), as well as being available in all of the other major eBook formats.

Evening the Score

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Question: I was royally screwed over in a business transaction. I want to get even. How should I do this?

Answer: You can’t. Revenge is a tricky business and can backfire in so many different ways. Of course you can always turn to the courts if you’ve truly been damaged, but that avenue is also fraught with pitfalls. Over the course of my nearly four decade career, I’ve been a party to a number of legal proceedings. And even in victory there was no real sense of vindication. Litigation typically drags on interminably; it costs a fortune; it’s a time-waster when it comes to legal discovery and trial preparation, and there’s something even more critical. Negative energy. Lawsuits are full of negative energy, creating serious barriers to creative productivity.

I’m not saying that legal action shouldn’t be pursued when warranted – but if getting even is the principal motive – beware. It’s human nature to feel angry when someone takes unfair advantage of us. We can then move down one of two paths. The first and easiest is that of victimhood. We’ve been wronged because someone did something unjust to us. We’re entitled to feel outraged and we spend time telling others about our experience. Been there – done that. I’ve also been heard to say, “Don’t get mad, get even.” But when I put it all in perspective, I realize that I’m giving someone else the power when I play the victim. So I ask myself, “Why as a successful entrepreneur would I want to give someone else negative power over me?”

This self-conversation leads me down the second path, a path that is much more difficult. The path is called, forgiveness. My approach to forgiveness does not condone the unjust act but rather the doer of that act. I have come to understand that not everyone subscribes to the same ethics and standards as do I. But I’ve decided that’s their problem, not mine. When I become the forgiver, I do not give someone else power over me. And I also get the benefit of staying in a positive energy flow through the process. I might not do business with that person again, and if asked, I would decline to provide an endorsement or referral. In the end, I’m able to move through the situation quickly and get on with pursuing my passion.

Life is way too short for grudges and the plotting of revenge. Being a victim is poison to the entrepreneurial spirit. It takes much more strength of character to forgive than to wallow in self-pity. As entrepreneurs we have much more important work to do.

This blog is being written in tandem with my book, “An Entrepreneur’s Words to Live By,” available on Amazon.com in paperback and Kindle (My Book), as well as being available in all of the other major eBook formats.

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